Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE