You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.