I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
this hospital has no fireball
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
