I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
