I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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