Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
