So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
