I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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