Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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