I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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