Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
