You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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