I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
