I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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