Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
