I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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