i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
