We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize