I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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