my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
