I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
