Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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