I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
