She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
