Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
