that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
