Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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