i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
