wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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