I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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