I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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