good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
