Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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