i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
