She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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