Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
