As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
