If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
