i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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