Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
