I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
