So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also, beer. Big fan.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
