Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
