life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
