we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Im part way to drunk.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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