I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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