Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Farmville is her only friend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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