I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
