guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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