I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He felt like a one man threesome
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
