it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
