i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
