my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
