sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
