yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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