I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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