The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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