all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
