mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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