I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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